I’ll be the first to say that I am not that fashionable. I’m most comfy in a t-shirt, jeans and flip flops. While I admire them, I’m not a fan of wearing heels (please reference entry “Allow me to introduce you to my big toe.” Heels tend to be painful for my mutant appendage), and if I could have it my way, I wouldn't touch my hair at all in the morning. I’m tired of my long tresses and fierce, straight-cut bangs, which I’ve already decided are more of a hassle than they’re worth. Give me a ponytail any day.
Nonetheless, I found myself in H&M yesterday. Before I begin, why on earth is everything 80s back? I thought we were done with tiny floral print, neon jeans and jumpsuits? Not that I was succumbing to any trend as it was, those styles in particular should be left hanging on the racks. Some of things I saw in there were so ugly, it warrants a new word: ridicularity. As in, the store contained so many hideous styles that it was verging upon ridicularity. Use it so we can start another new trend.
I digress. Because I didn’t want to seem too far left behind, I did give in and purchase two brightly colored, crew-neck t-shirts. That is my way of succumbing, although I much prefer to bring 80’s cartoons and music back above all else.
As we got to the registers, we approached an employee who was forced to exemplify whatever styles were currently in the store. And she was so far from pulling it off it wasn’t even funny.
The cashier appeared as though the 80’s had violently, projectile vomited on her. She might as well have been wearing Rainbow Bright’s dress. It probably would have looked better. Her nails were bright yellow, her eye shadow was bright blue, she had bangles, an oversized t-shirt with bright tanks underneath, and bright colored jeans. And her hair was wild enough to make her look slightly maniacal, with a brightly colored headband to tame it…ever so slightly. This is what we’re calling fashion?! We’re doomed.
Then she opened her mouth, revealing that her cheap pink lipstick had found its way onto her snaggle tooth. Did I fail to mention that she had one of those eye conditions that made it look like she was looking in two different directions? I hate those. I never know which eye to look at without seeming like a complete jackass.
“Hi there. Did dchoo find everyshing okay?” she greeted my friend with a lisp that was only to be expected at this point.
“Yup.” She said handing her a pair of sunglasses.
“I’ll give you your shunglasshes back. We want your eyesh to be shafe and protected out there.”
“…okay,” said my friend. Weird.
And then all too soon it was my turn, “Hi there. Did dchoo find everyshing okay?”
“Yessss I did,” I said emphasizing that I had the ability to say my s’s. I am such a bitch.
We got through most of my transaction without oddball comments until it came time to pay. “Cash, debit or credit?”
“Shwipe your card, and put in your pin…..That way, everyone will be happy.”
She obviously had a hard time not saying something socially awkward to each customer. Apparently she was just as crazy as she looked. I had to get out of there. The 80’s can keep their style and their people too.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I can’t wait to see what they do when the 90’s come back in style. I’ll be the first in line for hammer pants! ;o)