Last night’s web design class brought me straight back to elementary school, when everyone avoided sitting next to the pee-pee kid – you know, that grimy boy or girl that reeks of urine and somehow skipped the personal hygiene lesson in preschool. All the kids bitch and moan about having to sit next to him or her. Since I had not experienced this phenomenon since elementary school, I assumed I would never have to suffer through it again.
Or so I thought. Last night, after illegally parking in a tow-away zone, I arrived just in time to nab the last available Mac. I was booting up, when all of the sudden it hit me – a strong wave of B.O., with power to defeat the likes of Hulk Hogan, who I imagine is a smelly man himself (he looks like he’s constantly sweating). I had never experienced a worse case. My eyes were watering and I began to cough, the stench was so overwhelming.
At first, I couldn’t figure out who it was emanating from. There was a meek, hygienic-looking woman to my left, a fashionable, hipster-looking woman to my right, and slew of nerdy males in the row ahead of me. I assumed it had to one of the nerds. Boys are always stinky.
But it kept getting stronger, and stronger, and I slowly began to notice that the wafts were correlating with the movements my hipster neighbor was making. She'd move her arms, or adjust her seat and I'd barf in my mouth a little again and again. No wonder it was the last available spot! This girl looked like she could have appeared in an MGMT music video. She was pretty and appeared as though showering was part of her daily regimen, but her armpits were saying otherwise. She smelled like she had been working on a fishing boat in the Bering Sea for six months and hadn’t yet made it to the shower upon her return. The word feces kept coming to mind. It was awful.
I sat suffering for THREE. WHOLE. HOURS and then some! I stared down the clock, trying to will 9:30 to arrive faster with my mind powers, and when it finally appeared, my instructor was STILL failing at being funny by trying to incorporate REO Speedwagon into our websites. At 9:32 he goes, “Oh! I guess I’m past my time!”
I was livid. I involuntarily smelled her armpits for two minutes longer than I should have. I couldn’t dart out of that room fast enough. When I emerged from the classroom I came up gasping for air, as though I had been drowning in sewage for the last three hours.
I thought, “Really? Who didn’t get the hygiene memo by age 30?!” It’s time to kick you out of web design and drop you back down to preschool where the real learning needs to happen.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but leave at least 15 minutes earlier than normal to avoid sitting next to the pee-pee adult.